Year End

Year End

Ear end usually is a time for reflection for what have we done past 12 months or 365 days or 8,760 hours or 525,600 minutes. Is it time important? It depends who you talk to. If you talk about concept of time to those have been through ups and downs in life, time is not necessarily as important as one thinks. If you talk to those have planned what lies ahead and are serious about the goals they set, time is smashingly important. What I learned in past years, in order to be fulfilled and joyful, one has to invest “attention” for what one wants to do. Not only that, one has to set goal, get feedback, prime challenge, ensuring that how to balance sagging nervousness resulting from stress and painless rot of daily routine. Both going to extreme can erode psyche energy that is important to perpetuate a normal life.

Let me take this break of turning old to new year to wishing everyone here a fruitful year ahead. Whatever you do and plan to do, be attentive not so much you lose the joy of life but enough to get what you want in life.

Reading "Flow"

The section was talking about family. Some of the most rewarding or frustrated experiences one could have are result of family relationship. You have could a successful career but family usually is right up there as the number one priority especially when people looking back in life that how much they have missed by not being more with family members.The core of family relationship lies with couples to which relationship is built and children look upon their parents as they search models in life from youngster, adolescent to young adult. Couple comprises to stay healthy is crucial and is a difficult task to maintain. Sustenance for marital relationship is a process both ma and pa must work hard on it. When two focus on each other, both must be change of habit to get the result of change they desire.Most know getting married requires a radical and permanent reorientation of the couple that suit the status from single to married. When a child added to the pair, that complicates the process triply that without conscious reflection of what role ma and pa are gonna be, it could derail the relationships as originally desired. All these conscious change and reflection take constant hard works. If a person is unwilling to adjust personal goals when starting a relationship as weighty as marriage, then a lot of what subsequently happens in that realtionshjp will produce disorder to a point that will derail the relationship itself. The book distincts outside and inside conditions that affect family. Outside condition encompasses family economic, materials, where to live, what profession of ma and pa. These are valued through the social norm that are weighty back in the minds of most people. The serenity lies with the inside condition where couple must look upon what they do is congruent what they believe and align with family members that create the bigger supporting background for inevitable adverse situations to come.I like the quote by Cicero that to be completely free on must become a slave of a set of law. Personally it holds true to me. I know myself being mostly a desirous to be "free" person, the fact absolutely free is a ticket to "chaos" which is unthinkable for me in the past. The book cites examples how healthy marriage lasts, it's the commitment by ma and pa solemnly vowed to better, to worst, and to dealth that do them apart literally. By investing psyche energy (attention) to preserve the marriage is the best way as suggested by the author.

Flow

Reading a book called Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I find terms called autotelic or flow or optimal experience essentially meaning one thing - state of happiness or enjoyment even in most daunting or horrifying conditions such as concentration camps, solidary confinements or paralytic medical complications. Some people are lucky few unlike enjoyment eluding most population, they have certain rudiments of character. They devote more psyche energy in exploring things they like to do in certain framework in mind which include things they enjoy doing must have goals, rules and feed backs. These framework allows people to push the standard to higher level which is essential to achieve the flow experience. Also they usually are brought up in the families which propose the 5C elements of building autotelic experience. These are: Clarity - what parents expect of a child needs clearly expressed; Centering- parents are interested what children are doing than what they will be in the future; Choice - variety of possibilities children could choose including breaking parent's rules; Commitment - parents trust and allow the child to feel comfortable enough set aside the shield of his defenses and become unselfconsciously involved on things he is interested; Challenge - the parents' dedications to provide increasingly complex opportunity for action to their children.

The book concluded that anyone can achieve autotelic experience which requires attention to building habits, investing psyche energy or attention in hobbies, sports, reading, art, music, even mundane routines that sometimes people find them rut. All these could make life enjoyable and take little resources apart from what we have already have. As parents, the 5C is some concept that is coinciding to coaching concept which worths parents to look into incorporating into their beings while kids are still young. It's never too late.

Gab with my son

It's been long time since my son and I have dinner alone without others together. What could be a better timing than wife is hiking in Nepal, young son touring in China, daughter outing with mates? This makes a wonderful break for Haywood and I chow down in my favorite Shanghais Restaurant in Happy Valley. We talked with no particular text and just shot breeze. Children grow by leaps and bounds. The fact I often hang around with family perhaps more than average father can is godsent luxury and blessing. The fact I run my own business have a lot to do with what I can do with my family. From the gab I endure with my children, I seldom find them bored. These kids don't fudge and mudge on subjects. What I babble, will get snappy come back in return. What else a dad can ask for!

Book Launch

It was a launch filled with closeness all around. Place is packed with people who from what I observed are genuinely happy for the event. Iris published her first book in which I played a tiny part as her coach. Vividly reminisce the day we met and later on agreed to stay in touch about the project, it seems like yesterday. Iris recounts of her experiences which is pictured by MTR station map and different colors. What a novel idea! I read her book incessantly and enjoyed it a great deal. It takes boldness on Iris' part to unload her past in a way that she remains positive about the events. Iris conquered past ghosts as if it haunted her along the way, but no more. A closer look, her past provided most rewarding experiences she now treasures so much on people around her. A book like this is a great way to share with others. I'm happy for Iris as I would to all our friends who may encounter trials and tribulations that seem unbearable in life, including mine. On the flip side it could be blessing in disguise which is essential if we were to enjoy life in its fullness.

Oxfam Trailwalker

I'll play different role this year's Trailwalker not as a walker but a supporter to my fellow hikers from HK Hiking Meetup. Looking back my past six tries, I hasten to add that I have enjoyed fellow hikers more than trail. Initially the breathtaking landscape of Sai Kung was really the reason into the trail. After years of practices and trekking in same spots, I would have thought the only constant elements that attract me is change of hikers every practice and trek. Hiking is exceptionally rewarding as emotional healing tool. For my clients and friends who are experiencing discomfort and distress, hiking is one of the best methods to relieve pain physically and emotionally alike. Coming back to the Trailwalker, I know guys who have been in the trail over 12 years starting in his 40's and now approaching 60. Isn't it amazing people who suppose to be called "papa, over-the-hill, elders, seniors" but result-wise these people among the fast hikers in any age group? Health with no limit , anyone could be as vigorous and vibrant as young chaps in twenties

200 Mark

I was ecstatic to receive notification that my hiking group broke 200 memberships since it's inception two years ago. Number is one thing but the influence it has to make more people hiking-induced certainly is the reason for joy.

My hiking group has registered different culture, people of different origins. The good thing I can gleefully hike with like-minded people and chat with many different topics that are beyond my scope of knowledge.

Sometimes I purposely flout all hiking etiquette, if there is any, to allow more flow of free spirit that won't happen in other groups. I love this group and believe there are many years to enjoy hiking as a dose of healthy exercise. Hope many more will be attracted to hiking as a past time.

School Time

Summer is over. Schools start..in fact my elder has started his term, with the youngest son on next week, daughter one after. On surface, not much they had done during Summer , not field trips, certainly not readings. I got used to the idea letting kids to relax and enjoy their holidays. In the past I would have been uptight for my kids not to do something "useful' during Summer. Now I preach life long learning that kids have all the time in the world for study. All they need is an attitude that goes with learning. I prefer marathon to sprint. The way I look thing is changing just like many things in life. For better or worse, I don't know. I just feel ease and communicate well with kids that way.

Weekly Grocery

Never before appeal to me that grocery is a great way to get closer to my teenage sons and daughter. Although we talk often, not all subjects are of their interest. Once these kids choose what they want in snacks and in the process of grocerying, many more conversations resulted from snacks and foods that never come up before. What a weekly ritual!

Childhood

Received calls from hot line last night. One call is particularly heart wrenching. This guy in mid 20's has been depressed for a couple months. For some reasons, he has nightmare every time he sleeps that really bothers him a great deal. He rekindles his story where he was physically abused by grandma and uncle, while his parents were still in mainland (eventually parents got divorced, another blow!). He vividly recalled an instant where he was stripped bare, beaten and kicked out naked in front of dozen relatives. He recalls these realtives were laughing at the other side of door. He just couldn't let go with this instant that haunts him to this day. Frankly, this guy spoke eloquently and articulates his points very well. If inertia continue like this, he is worried what future lies with him. Sometimes trauma in childhood has done harm to many. Although this man has ability to survive, he nonetheless has been incapacitated by past experiences. Unless he repeals not represses all these bad experiences, he has a long way to go to become psychological sound again. Not feel well at all after hearing this call.

Thinking about thinking. Feeling about feeling

Clients asked what are the best ways to tackle anxieties and frustration. I don't know about others. I use "thinking about thinking" and "feeling about feeling" to counter whatever situations where I feel frustrated and confused. These tools instantly give me space that helps evaluating what state of mind I make myself into. " Make myself into frustration and anger" - no joke, we make oursleves miserable and become victim of our own making.

Commitment and Action

Have you ever wondered why we often make commitment that we deeply regret when the moment to fulfill them arrives?. We all do that. We agree to volunteer reading to kids and we look forward to that obligation even as we jot it in our diary. then when it actually comes time to gather books, plan the content for the event and ignore the fact there is a highly attractive hike on schedule, We wonder what we were thinking when we said yes. Well, here's what we were thinking; when we said yes we were thing about reading to kids in terms of why instead of how, in terms of causes and consequences instead of execution. and we failed to consider the detail part of the event. Reading to kids next month is "an act of love" and reading to kids on the day is "an act of lunch". It happens to me often that the commitment I put in diary a month ago has created anxiety when it comes to the actual execution of that commitment , which reminds me to be careful not to over commit for things that appears to be charitable but later could cause grieve.

From tween to teen

Wife is returning this Friday from excursion in Tibet. In past 3 weeks I was playing dual roles as dad and mom. I must say it's a wonderful experience. After all being "a mom" is not as bad I thought. In fact, it's quite an enjoyable experience once I let kids determine their plan of actions. Observing as a coach, most kids have their routines, which form part of their lives. I must admit I would not concur some of them. Nonetheless, it's their life and I have confidence as long as we model as parents positively, most kids will find their ways to ride through most turbulent times from tween to teen.

What a day for hiking!

Yesterday was one the hottest days for hiker. I scheduled a hike on Mac Trail 3 almost a month ago. It turned out only three hikers joining the trail. Not only that, two of them dropped in the midst of exhausting heat. Nevertheless, I finished the trail by myself and almost got killed with the sun beaming down from the top. I noticed visibility in Hong Kong has improved a bit lately. I could see clearly almost as far as Taipo from Saikung. That's something worth celebrating.

PTA

First time in Hong Kong history the church denominated school has invited volunteers to seat in newly created parent-teacher association. I intend to volunteer myself as pta member in my daughter's school. It's a new experience to me giving her school been established over 150 years. I imagine it takes a great of time and patience for teachers and parents to work as a team for the good of students, which is often perceived differenly, very challenging indeed.

Today is a big day for parents if they have kids who just graduated primary school. Parents will rush here and there to fill the spaces of secondary one. My son has got registered months ago and I was playing chicken not to wait till the selection of central lottery system which is devastating for many parents. Education to me is a life long passion, underline passion. If one doesn't have to passion and enjoyment of doing thing (anything), he won't feel energized to get up and do what he promises to do.I look at education like playing ball, computer games, all these gadgets that are so popular amongst kids. I wish someone would invent a game where kids are so attracted to it and be able to learn language, mathematics, and science. Today's education is so out of touch for the interest of learning, particularly for kids, only a small percentage of lucky parents whose children are curious and driven to learn in traditional ways.

End of life care

Death is an inevitable part of life. When death occurs, everyone associated with the death are affected. Attending today's symposium allows me to look at death from different views. Studies have found most people lack of preparation leading to their own death. Perhaps, being Chinese we don't like to talk about it, although it's changing. Older people begin to accept the nature process of dying and many plan according to their needs much better than previous generations. Thanks to a group of professionals working in hospice, counseling, hospitalized care, death is no longer a taboo we avoid to talk about. In fact the more we talk about it the more we're prepared to face the inevitability. The fact we all die one day.

There are several areas worth mentioning in dealing with impending death, the spirituality, support and self-esteem. These factors affect the acceptability of death, past related regret and future related regret. There are also clinical implication for family who could join patients quest for spiritual and existential meaning and self-determined life closure, or affirm the integrity and promotion of forgiveness.

Learned Helplessness

Still want to talk about the 'learned helplessness". The more I think about it the more I realize it is a dreadful disease affecting many of us, kids and adults. The symposium I attended, Dr Chiang has demonstrated a way to consciously attack learned helplessness so that one could maintain relatively positive view in life. This is how he did it.A(Adversity)= think about an adverse situation that you feel either rejected or something that made you upsetB(Belief)= interpretation or belief that you assign to that situation has made you disappointed and you become helpless.C(Commitment)= commit for a change of view that thing could be interpreted differentlyD(Disputation)= dispute the situation or the intention behind that caused feeling of being rejected or dejectedE(Energize)= energize your new-found interpretation that could provide a more positive emotion in relation to the fact.

Ethnic Minorities Students

Helped to screen out ethnic minorities students this morning for IVE of Vocational Training Council. My impression Hong Kong is not doing enough to provide chance for these students who are mostly from ten to eleven schools that provide schooling for South Asians. Hong Kong has about 300,000 ethnic minorities who have been in Hong Kong for many years who are HK residents. Over the years, sons and daughters of ethnic minorites have been educated and adapted local circulumn. Somehow these kids have not adapted the Chinese languages thereby reducing their chances to get to local universities. As resulted, most become the laborers that you may notice from time to time in road and construction sites.

I work with a couple agencies who help ethnic minorities and just heard a story this morning two brothers committed suicide within a week and left five orphans at hand of their mother. The grand mom , being an Indian has now burdened to deal with five youngsters aging from 2 to 7. Tragic or not, the fact we heard a great deal pain and suffering from ethnic Chinese, we may also ignore the fact there are large ethnic minorities population whose origins from countries like Indian, Pakistan, Nepal, Thai, Vietnam, etc.... that we are not doing enough.

What is enough? I don't know.

4th HK Palliative Care Symposium

Just chaired a sub-conference of the 4th HK Palliative Care Symposium in HKU yesterday. Dr John Chiang who is from Taiwan introduced therapeutic recreation skills to help kids to reduce anxieties on radio and scan treatments, a standard procedure for brain tumors. This young doctor has been spending his life to design games for young patients to detract them from normal hospitalized nightmares (rules, food, pain, loneliness, etc..) which cause much sufferings for kids as well as adults. Never seen an energy-filled young doctor as passionate Dr. Chiang. A couple of his methods could be used for adults in a dreadful disease called "learned helplessness" which becomes normal ways of life for people who couldn't look things on the flip side. As resulted, life becomes a drag.

Graduation

Another milestone! My youngest son graduated today as p6 student, officially only steps away to become a teenager. It's hard to imagine I have three teens under the same roof. Guarantee things will become very interesting. Today's parents have to catch-up with teens' gadgets inorder to appreciate why kids are so drawn to them, wii, ipod, camera, iphone(not yet), and play-station 3, not to mention their secretly hide-out online games. The more we familiarize with these games the more I find they are not all bad. In fact, many of these games are educational such as Runscape, a online game that allows player to practice different roles as in the real world. Players get a chance to decide what they like to do, as a warrior, a carpenter, a caretaker... so on. By how you manage your wealth, trade your tools, and interact with your friends and foes to determine whether you win or not. Interesting!

Habit

It's fun to write a bit everyday regardless how little. Rain has stalled my hiking activities past a couple of weeks. I still manage to run 8 kilo everyday, again another habit in making. It's tough in under condition of rain and shine. Nevertheless, it gives me ecstasy and energy fills me all day. Good grief!

Revolutionary Wealth by Toffler

I was fascinated by the depth of this book. It put me off guard as I go by my business without knowing the world has changed so fast, too fast for me to do catching up. My children's future is no longer the same. How wealth created is beyond my imagination. The flow of money and information that revolutionize the world will speed up. Those who maintain "old way" of thinking will be thrown off the train, a very frightening experience. Some of kinky morale issues that are difficult to accept as parents will remain the struggles between generations. That is something really bothering parents at one end to accept the reality our children are greatly influenced by these info-dynamic cultures, very little thing that we can do but change our views that hopefully place us in a better light in dealing with kids.



Nevertheless a wonderful book for those who want to be rudely awaken to a new world.

Get a chance with my three teenage sons and daughter for 21 days

Wife hikes Tibet and I got the chance to take care my teenage kids next 21 days, all by myself. In fact to certain degree, they are taking care of or entertaining me. There is no such thing nowaday as parenting for teenagers who usually are not fond of being taken care anyway. Nowadays when doing workshops, comments from parents that kids not respond no matter how hard parents want to create a dialogue, perhaps a word here and there in reply; that's it. The more the parents want their kids to talk, the more mutes received in return. Talk about frustration!

Judith Harris on her book " Nurture Assumption" put forward her points that parents have far less influence with their kids than they think. Most kids are influenced by peers far more than parents. On the surface, it holds truth if you look at communications between kids and parents. Thinking further, aren't we all the same when we were kids? It could take years to find out how much care and love that parents gave out of good intention but weren't communicated properly by both parties. Luckily parents nowadays have mind of continuously educating themselves when talking to kids. It's comforting to see young parents to learn parental skills to prepare themselves for challenges in the future. I also see the surge of enquires about coaching skills - the use of it as parents.

Great stuff!

April 12

Finally got my site published. The majority of work lied heavily in gathering of information. Yesterday was one heck of good day, having some sort of spiritual experiences that haven't come around for a long time. I felt like a bout of power running through my spine and ended up at the tip of my head. it happened when I completed my 18-kilo run last night. Good also the sharing I had in fellowship last night which talked about Luke 4 when JC was doing those miracles. It really hit me for the first time that I enjoy the fellowship so much, although a bit intellectual I enjoyed it nevertheless.

Marital Relationship, a must read

Although we coaches value the importance of friendship, we value more on marital relationship, which forms the core of family trios (mom, dad and children). I gather the following could be something that moms and dads could take home start practising, which certainly will do well to family.

ANNIVERSARIES Always celebrate! Whether it's the 1st or the 50th, each year together is a triumph.

APPRECIATION Let each other know how much you appreciate each other. You may already know but hearing it from each other is always better.

BEST FRIENDS Be best friends preferably before being boyfriend-girlfrien d. Take time to know each other so the relationship will be a deep one. Tell each other about your crushes, dreams and problems. Make sure he/she is your best friend before getting engaged. The strong bond of friendship will help you both survive tough times.

BOND Make it a point to spend time together often but leave room for each other. Also spend time alone w/ each other, so that at the end of the day you could both share your experiences. This way, you stay interesting with your partner.

COMPLIMENTS Always compliment each other. This will prevent feelings of resentment & thinking that one is being taken for granted.

DATE Keep doings things that you both enjoy, do them together. Make time & continue to date to keep the romance - look good, smell good to maintain physical attraction

DIFFERENCES Celebrate differences. Never force your ideologies down each other's throat. Give up trying to turn your partner into you. Accept differences, appreciate them.

FIGHTS Fight w/the aim to resolve the issue. Don't outdo each other. The longer you extend the fight. The more chances that you'll say something hurtful that you don't really mean. As mad as you were w/ your partner, he/she is still the person who laughs at your jokes & thinks you're hot. Hear each other out, don't dig up old issues. Choose your battles. Make sure the fight will be worth it & that something will change in the relationship as a result of the fight.]

FLAWS Know that the perfect person does not exist. Know that just as there are things that you love about him/her, there will be things that will make you go crazy. We are only human with our own flaws.

FUN Have fun together! This means keeping the fun & spontaneity that was there in the early days.Allow yourselves to get silly - shower together. Being able to make each other laugh & see the lighter, crazier, absurd side is the best way to get through all the differences in personalities, adjustments in lifestyle & opposing viewpoints.

GOALS Make sure you have similar goals. It would be difficult to keep your bond intact if your views are complete opposite.

GRUDGES Quit tabulating grudges. Let it off. Discuss it, then trash it, don't recycle it.

KEEPING IT HOT Keep it hot by traveling to diff. places together. A new setting will do wonders. Always have skin contact - be it holding hands, a massage or just plain leg rubbing.

HONESTY Don't lie or hide things. The problem will only get bigger.

KNOW EACH OTHER Learn each other's interest. It really keeps the conversation flowing!

HUG A hug can be far better more intimate than a kiss.

IDENTITY Don't lose your personality - that's why he/she fell in love w/you. Have separate interest & activities to keep your individual, & to be able to contribute more to the relationship.

INDEPENDENCE Having your own income means you're the boss in your life.

IN-LAWS Make rooms for the in-laws.

INTENTIONS Wish each other well. Don't wish each other worst

ISSUES Speak up about the awkward stuff now, like money & sex. The earlier, the better.

LISTEN Listen, listen, listen. Hear each other out especially during arguments.

LOOK GOOD Mind your appearance! Stay fit & healthy for each other.

LOVE It all boils down to your love, chemistry & respect for each other.

MEMORIES Remind each other of the old days. Do something that you used to do for each other before. It may even be corny but it made you two together. Experience new things together- from dining into a new restaurant to experiencing street food together to exploring to new places. It's the little surprises that make great memories.

MIND READING No matter how long you've been together, do not think that you can read each other's mind.NEEDSBe good to yourself, then be good to your partner. That's what love is all about. Think about your partner. Will it make him/her happy? Will she/he enjoy it? Consider each other's feelings. Be very attentive & sensitive to each other's needs, physically & emotionally, that way your partner learns to do the same for you. Never take your partner for granted.

PRIORITIES If one says it's important, then it is! Prioritize each other among other things!SPACEGive each other space. Have dates with your girlfriends, have your boy's night out. If you can't trust each other with this, then don't get married. SORRY Say sorry when you're wrong.

SURPRISES No matter how long you've known each other, be open to surprises, both good or bad.

TEAMWORK Think for two & always work as a team. Consult each other before making a decision because everything will always affect both of you. Strengthen couple power. In many ways, we have to decide based on what is best for the relationship in favor of our individual selves.

SUPPORT Support each other's dream. Be willing to follow your passions, support your partner in his/her decisions & create new ones together. Two heads are better than one.

TALK Tell each other's stories. Life goes by so fast & its easy to see how easily couple can grow apart. Whenever something funny, scary, exciting or juicy happened to you or to someone you know, tell each other about it & have your partner do the same. Keep each other in the loop of life

Another Coach’s motto "To help others to see the best in themselves"
Coach SK

Web site

Spent past several days to re-create my site. I found re-creating the site exhausting particualrly for a guy who knows litle about the web.

My business is in executive and personal coaching. My kids often asked. Why don't you find a proper job as if my job is not proper. Although coaching is a new profession, it's one of most meaningful professions that comes in a long way.